Inevitability, Mr. Anderson!

Do you remember the Matrix trilogies? Well I do! Being a huge sci fi fan that I am, I watched the movies. Have to admit, I have no freakin ideal what they were about or what the heck was going on!

I mean, correct me if I am wrong but, we humans are kept in pods, being fed by machines which syphon off our energy to fuel their world, while they made us dream that we were actually living normal lives? Was that it? Oh well!

It was ok, in a dope smoking, pill popping, needle underneath your fingernails kind of way but not sure if I would watch a fourth one. Bloody thing just didn't end right!

No takes on the Matrix. Nothing to parrallel my life or fictional life with the movie so, sorry, no mystery with this blog. One thing DID really sink in with me. It was the line that Agent Smith said to the hero in the first installment.

"It is inevitability, Mr. Anderson."

Inevitability, the incapability of being avoided or evaded. Regardless of what the situation or circumstance is, things will be as they have always been. No escape! Predestined? Perhaps, who knows?

For the past few weeks, I have done some serious soul searching, (if such a thing is possible). And it appears I have grown so tired of trying to outrun or avoid the nemesis called "Inevitability"!

I think I have have spent most of my life searching for and/ or longing for something that, well, just seems to be vacant in my life. I really do not know what the missing part is nor do I fully understand why I feel that there is something missing. All I know is, something just does not feel right! Inevitability?

I have changed directions over the years, looking for those things that I feel are missing. Admiring those who seem to already be there and wondering what my life would be if I had ever found it. But never really finding it. So, I continue on my quest.

Perhaps, the small part of the Keepers brain, the part that has since refused to grow up, still longs for something. Of course I know it does.But I have yet to fully understand what exactly it is that I feel is missing in my life. Inevitability?

But I do know I have spent my whole life looking and searching for the things that I honestly do not know what I am looking for. So after all this time, still feeling the void, I have decided to stop the search. Stop looking for the thing that I feel I am missing and not knowing what it is that I am looking for. Maybe some type of bi-polar medicine!

I have really looked at the things in my life and decided that I have grown tired of this quest. Realizing that, the inevitability of my life will not allow me to accomplish the quest and finally take ownership of the prize I have longed for.

Realizing that, the things in life that I have really wanted, I can not have! And the things in my life that I can have, are really not worth taking! Inevitability!

So, in retrospect, I have wasted so much time and mental energy, beating myself to death, looking for this illusive "whatever" but never even knowing if I have even came close to finding it!

One of my favorite sci fi shows is Doctor Who! Maybe I should just incorporate the character of the Doctor. Time to regenerate, forget the past, move on and stop wondering about things I can never have nor change. Yes, time to change! Time to move on and lay down this charge of completing my quest!

"One day, I shall come back. Yes, I shall come back. Until then, there must be no tears, no regrets, no anxieties. Just go forward with your beliefs, and prove to me that I am not mistaken in mine!"........William Hartnel, first Doctor incarnation.

Maybe, one reason I like the show so much is, I relate to the character. Maybe, just maybe, the reason I have felt this is simple. I am a unique person! One of a kind! The last of my species! Never feeling like I belong or that I am important to anyone. Never feeling that I an accepted. Always alone regardless of who I am with. Weird, but I have never felt like I belong! Holding the very core of who I am with utmost secrecy, never allowing anyone inside. Never trusting anyone to experience the real person that I am. Wanting so badly to share the essence of The Keeper with someone, but never trusting, fear of being rejected. Inevitability!

So, the time has come, to embrace inevitability. Instead of running from it, just stop and allow it to take control. End this quest! Once and for all, find something else to fill the void that I felt has always been there from the beginning. Take things as they are and stop trying to find the alternate reality of the things around me.

I am unique, one of a kind! Shame no one wants to see who or what I really am. Even more so, shame they have never cared! Inevitability!

So, now, I see the Keeper, standing in his warehouse. Arms outstretched, head leaning back upon his neck. Feeling the awesome power and fear of the thing which is about to take place! Feeling the surge and inevitable, regrettable choice he has made. Allowing this, inevitable thing to take place. Allowing the full power of regeneration to engulf him from his head to his feet. To regenerate into someone or something different. Changing his course one more time, never looking back wondering what if? Or maybe? Or, if I could have one more time, changed my course!

I understand the Doctor now! I understand why he chooses friends but never allows them inside him. I see why he travels alone, to stop the hurt and pain caused by his leaving. His longing, his desire to be more than he is. Never accepted for the things he has done in life, a very long life indeed. Choices he made that, not only affected him but those around him. Loved but never really believing that he is loved.

I feel the power and fear of what and who I am, the power of regeneration. Once more to hurt myself and others, but a change which is needful and required!

No more being the hunter and chaser of that which I have no ideal of what I search for. No more, allowing myself to be put out there to be rejected. I need to regenerate and change. I feel the power of it, know that deep with-in, I truly want it, then maybe I can rest!

After all........."It is inevitability, Mr. Anderson. Inevitability!