Fewer Days Ahead than Behind....

One of my favorite rock groups, "Chicago" sang a song, "I've been searching". The lyrics go something like this:

As my life goes on I believe, Somehow something's changed. Something deep inside, Ooh a part of me.

There's a strange new light in my eyes, things I've never known. Changin' my life,Changin' me.
I've been searchin' so long, to find an answer. Now I see myself as I am feeling very free.

Life is everything, Ooh it's meant to be. When my tears have come to an end, I will understand what I left behind, part of me.

One year ago, this July, I returned to the work force after eleven years of retirement. Somehow, my little mixed up brain has always thought I was still in my 20's or 30's. Little did it realize how incredibly wrong it was. Little did it understand that there are fewer days ahead than they are behind.

No more did I have elders to look up to and listen to at work. Now, I was the elder, the old man, grandpa, old one and a host of other ancient names. Slowly, I began to realize just how old I have become.

Like the song implies, somehow somethings changed. And I imagine that it has been me all along. Still the messed up person I have always been, but just older. Still feel that my life is missing so much, but yet unable to determine what it is I have been missing. "Searching, to find an answer", but unable to find it, possibly because I do not know the question.

Searching for something, seeking for a hint or a glimpse or glimmer of an answer, now realizing I may never find it and yet leaving such a large part of myself behind. I have longed for so much, sought after fairy tales and hoped for things that only existed in books and the dreams of children, now reality sets in, and there is no answer to be found. I will never know since there are fewer days ahead than they are behind.

I love the spring, the world is coming back to life and gives new hope. Fall has beautiful colors but it reminds me that soon, those gorgeous leaves will drop to the ground and all will be bare, lifeless and dead.

I am now at the age, or rather in a seasonal overtone, entering into the "fall season" of my life. Not knowing the days, months or years it will take before the cold harsh winter sets in and life will be over. Fewer days ahead than there are behind.

What my heart once longed for, it no longer seeks. What my soul once desired and craved, it has become complacent and decided no more will it entertain such childish desires. Emotions once wishing to be released have now been locked safely behind mental closet doors. No more will they be set free again. Fewer days ahead than they are behind.

So I shall try to be satisfied with what and who I am and where my life has taken me so far. Do my best to settle that things will change only if it is destined. Be happy with today for there may be no tomorrow.

Yesterday,, at age 48, I purchased a motorcycle. Yea I know, many guys my age and older are buying these things. I look at it is my final days of middle age crazy. Doing what I had always wanted to do but never could do it. Fewer days ahead than there are behind.

Here's to tomorrow.......